SHBCS News & Info

Night Time Rumination

jcraikcooper@gmail.com (Jo-Anne Craik-Cooper) — Tue, 25 Jul 2023 06:06:06 GMT

Why is that just when our head hits the pillow the mind kicks in and says “great, now I have your attention, let’s go over a few things”. This might involve thinking about what needs to be done the following day, or thinking over the circumstances surrounding your loss – whatever the thoughts that come, it can then impact our ability to sleep. Grief rumination can be defined as:

“repetitive and recurrent thinking about causes and consequences of the loss and loss-related emotions.” ( Eisma & Stroebe, 2017 ).

So what can we do to help these night time wanderings dissipate? A few ideas may be:

· Look at how you are coping with your grief during the day. Are you engaging in self-care activities that help to boost your emotions and feelings in a positive way. If thoughts, feelings of guilt, anxiety and fear are making your day to day functioning difficult it might be good to seek counselling.

· Be mindful of winding down before bed, turning off devices 30 minutes to an hour before bed. Maybe listen to some music, meditate, read a book, or take a warm bath.

· Acknowledge the thoughts that come in, thank them for reminding you but firmly tell them you are not engaging with them. It may be helpful to then distract yourself with some deep breathing or grounding exercises – name 5 things around you, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and then take a deep breath. It may also be helpful to have a notebook and pen by the bed so you can write things down that are worrying you and then make time to attend to them the following day at a designated ‘worry time’. Make sure you limit this time though – 10 minutes maximum, then do something to take you out of that space such as going for a walk, or reading, having a cup of tea/coffee or phoning a friend.

· Relaxation techniques may also be helpful such as progressive muscle relaxation, and deep breathing techniques.

· Remind yourself that even though thoughts are there they are not always true or rational – its good to look at the evidence for and against, test them. For every negative thought try and think of a positive thought.

(Adapted from What’s Your Grief, www.whatsyourgrief.com)

These are just a few suggestions, but if you are finding rumination difficult to manage you might consider seeing a professional. The Southern Highlands Bereavement Care Service provides grief, loss and bereavement counselling and we can be contacted by phoning 48621701 or via email info@shbcs.org.au.

Having a Grief Care Plan

jcraikcooper@gmail.com (Jo-Anne Craik-Cooper) — Tue, 13 Jun 2023 01:03:56 GMT

HAVING A GRIEF CARE PLAN

We often talk to people about having a plan to care for themselves around the time of anniversaries and ‘special’ days, but what about every other day?

Early on grief can be a chaotic time, initially with things to do and plan, but then after the funeral and others go back to their lives it can leave us in a space of bewilderment. We may forget about the things and people that usually support us in times of need. In the midst of brain fog and low energy and lacking motivation it can be hard to call on tools that will help us.

Making a grief care plan can help to remind you of some of the things that are important in taking care of yourself and tools to help you get through difficult days. One such tool is the grief care plan that is pictured here. The plan includes things that are non-negotiable, mood boosters, people to reach out to, favourite distractions and places I feel calm.

Some things like taking a shower each day, eating, and resting, are important to care for our physical being- these are the things that may be non-negotiable on the care plan. Using something like the HALT check-in, which asks if you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired is a good starting point. Think about what helps to boost your mood – for example things like going for a walk, painting/drawing, or reading a book may be part of this list. It is also helpful to think about people who you can reach out to when feeling low. Favourite distractions might include movies you like to watch, spending time with a pet, reading etc. Where are places where you feel calm ?– this might be a physical place or you may imagine it.

Filling out the plan and keeping it close by can provide reminders in how to help yourself at this difficult time. To find a copy of the grief care plan go to the website below.

(Information adapted from What’s Your Grief: https://whatsyourgrief.com/a-grief-care-plan-your-foundation-for-support/).

MOTHER'S DAY

jcraikcooper@gmail.com (Jo-Anne Craik-Cooper) — Mon, 08 May 2023 07:01:37 GMT

While celebrating Mother's Day is recognized by many as a happy occasion, others may not be feeling like celebrating. We recognize those who have had a child die, or a mother die, or perhaps strained relationships in the family or the longing to be a mother but circumstances have taken this out of reach. Many emotions can arise around these special days, and aren't always the happy occasion for everyone that they are made out to be.

Dealing with emotions and the expectations of others at times to put on a happy face can be overwhelming. Preparation for such special days can be helpful as you determine what you may need to do to look after yourself on the day - perhaps acknowledging and honouring the lost loved one, or just deciding how to best help yourself to manage emotions on the day. Sometimes talking to a trusted friend, journalling or exercising may be helpful - work out what will work best for you.

Sometimes it can be helpful to speak with a professional, someone removed from the situation. The Southern Highlands Bereavement Care Service offers confidential face to face counselling. Referrals can be made by calling on 48621701 or emailing us on info@shbcs.org.au.

(Photo from Full Circle - fullcirclegc.org)

Grieving the life you imagined (non-finite loss) Part 2

jcraikcooper@gmail.com (Jo-Anne Craik-Cooper) — Wed, 15 Mar 2023 06:40:49 GMT

Tips to help navigate non-finite grief

There is no single solution and working with a therapist can be a big help. But on your own, you may find some of the following helpful.

1. Acknowledge the loss. Often these losses are not fully recognized by others. It is important to remind yourself that these are real and valid losses, even if they are not death-related losses. If you find yourself comparing losses, immediately shutting down your emotions by saying “it could be worse, I should just be grateful”, give yourself space for your feelings. Yes, it could be worse. And yes, you are also still experiencing something devastating that you are allowed to acknowledge and feel.

2. Practice dialectical thinking. As humans, we can be very black-and-white thinkers. We categorize things as good or bad, or right or wrong, when often things exist in shades of grey. Two things that feel contradictory to one another can both be true. It can be helpful to practice holding two truths at the same time, being open to the idea that there are many lives worth living. Even though you may not be living the life you always imagined and hoped for, that doesn’t mean it can’t have joy and meaning.

3. Control the flow (or flood) of information. Imagine that your child suddenly receives a diagnosis of a chronic illness that will undoubtedly change the direction of the rest of their and your lives. What do you do next? If you answered “take to google and spend every waking hour in an internet black hole reading every medical journal article, personal blog, and reddit thread you can get your hands on” you’re perfectly normal. In the face of fear and uncertainty, we desperately seek information. Unfortunately, this quest for answers is not only overwhelming to your system in every way, but it often presents you repeatedly with information and stories that violate your concept of yourself and your child and your imagined future. Though this can feel impossibly difficult, try to ease yourself in to this new reality. Take in information in small dose, with time and support.

4. Explore your personal ideals and fears. Go back into your own history and consider messages you received about yourself, how life ‘should’ look, and what events should be feared. Try to be honest with yourself about these ways of understanding the world and where they came from.

5. Examine, reexamine, challenge, and reality test your fears and dread. I want to be clear, this isn’t trying to think your way out of a devastating loss. But it is acknowledging that sometimes those internalized beliefs we have are exacerbating our feelings of pain and dread is important. If you’ve never known someone with a severe physical disability that you now have, expose yourself to people living with physical disabilities. Now that you’ve understood or decided you won’t have children, if your friends and family all have children it can help to begin expanding your circle to meet other childless individuals. Meeting both those who are childless by choice, and those who wanted children but didn’t have them can help you re-examine and challenge your assumptions about a life without children. If you’ve always feared those with addictions and have not known anyone with an addiction, examine your fears by humanizing addiction. Expose yourself to people who have struggled with substance use or other addictions. Begin with those in recovery and expand to those still battling active addictions.

6. Reconstruct your identity. With any nonfinite losses, your self-concept is deeply impacted. Who you understood yourself to be in the world or imagined you would be in the world can feel like it no longer aligns with who you are. Spend time connecting with the core pieces of yourself that remain intact. Acknowledge the roles and identities you have lost (or will never have) and those that you have taken on. Consider who you were, who you are, and who you hope to be.

7. Practice tolerating uncertainty. Easier said than done, I know. But life after loss – no matter what the loss – almost always involves some uncertainty. The degree to which we can tolerate that uncertainty correlates to our overall sense of well-being. Learn some skills for tolerating uncertainty and ambiguity.

8. Consider the idea of ‘adaptation’ rather than ‘acceptance’. “I will never, ever accept this” is a common refrain from grievers. And we get it. Acceptance is a complicated word, to put it mildly. The idea that one needs to feel acceptance sounds like we’re being asked to consent to this new, dreaded reality. Rather than focusing on acceptance, it can be helpful to focus on adaptation. Bruce and Schultz explain that there may always be moments of rejecting the new reality. People will almost always have fleeting moments of wishing for the life that ‘should’ have been. This can be true years or decades down the road. But we can continue to find the loss ‘unacceptable’, while still trying to actively adapt to our new reality with an openness to hope.

9. Redefine hope. Like reconstructing identity, redefining hope is a critical component of many non-death losses. Though our inclination can be to fixate on changing the circumstances of the loss and maintaining hope that things will get back on track or go back to “normal”, this is often impossible. It simply reinforces a sense of helplessness. By facing the present moment, you can ask yourself what hope looks like in this new reality. You may need to find many new ways of understanding and measuring hope based on the current reality. How you define hope will continue to change as you and your life continue to change.

Taken from a post by What’s Your Grief - October 2022 ( www.whatsyourgrief.com )

Grieving the Life You Imagined

Wed, 18 Jan 2023 00:32:44 GMT

Posted by What's Your Grief - October 2022 (www.whatsyourgrief.com)

From a very young age, we begin to develop expectations about the world around us. Our brains create rules to help us organize the boatloads of information we encounter every day. Some of these are simple, practical rules. As we age they become more complex rules, which we apply in almost all situations. They shape our beliefs and expectations about life. There are schemas (aka schemata) that rule our understanding of objects, people, roles, traits, and most other aspects of our lives. We absorb subtle ideas about what values our family, culture, and society have collectively attributed to things, and these shape our schemas.

Wait, wasn't this article supposed to be about nonfinite grief?

I know, this sounds like it has nothing to do with grief. But bear with me. Schemas are critical to understanding nonfinite grief. Because the meaning and significance we ascribe to the things we want, expect, idealize, and fear in life begins early. Things can become meaningful to us long before we actually have (or lose)- them, because of our expectations and ideals. When life is proceeding as we anticipated, we barely notice these schemas. If we don’t encounter anything that challenges or violates our schema, then we just go on living, tucking the things that happen neatly into our existing expectations.

Imagine I came from a childhood where my family and peers generally expected me to get good grades, go to college, settle into a stable career, meet a man, get married, and have children. That is what I saw in my friends and family members around me. If everything proceeds seamlessly along that path, those schemas are just running in the background. As I check things of the list, I file it away as part of my 'normal', good, or successful life. Schemas are often only barely on the edge of conscious awareness. But what happens if my life veers from that course?

Nonfinite Grief and the Loss of Plans, Hopes, and Expectations

Now imagine in that same scenario that I went to college, met someone, and got married. My mind keeps seeking and expecting the next things too – a stable career, getting pregnant and having children. But imagine if I can’t find work in my chosen career or can't get pregnant. Suddenly my life has diverged from my schema for a normal, happy, or meaningful life. In this situation, I'm suddenly acutely aware of the ways my life does not align with my expectations.

Nonfinite grief is the grief we feel when we lose these non-tangible things, watching our imagined future dissolve. Sometimes this starts with a death, though quite often it can be a result of many nondeath losses. In Nonfinite Loss and Grief, Bruce and Shultz define this grief that exists when life falls short of our expectations. They say that nonfinite grief is “contingent development; the passage of time; and on a lack of synchrony with hopes, wishes, ideals, and expectations”. There is an ongoing dissonance between our expected life and the life we're living.

Nonfinite Grief Creates Fear

Often, one step beyond the uncertainty and the dissonance, is fear and dread. Of course there is always a fear of the unknown, when the life we pictured falls away. But sometimes it is more than that. Sometimes the life unfolding one that our schema tells us is something to be feared and avoided.

For example, when I realize my career and plans for a family won’t be what I always imagined, there is a deep loss that I must acknowledge and continue to grieve. There is also uncertainty but, more than that, if my schema understands a life without that career or without children as something objectively dreadful or terrifying, this creates even more fear. Let’s be clear, here. If I’ve always wanted children and that doesn’t happen, there will be overwhelming grief regardless. But that fear can make adapting even more difficult.

If, instead, my schema accommodates that there are many types of meaningful families, some with children, some without children, my pain will still be immense. I still with have the devastating grief of losing the life I wanted and imagined. But I will not have the added barrier of believing the alternative is something fearful. I won’t assume that a meaningful life is impossible for anyone, even if I see it as difficult for me.

Nonfinite Grief is Ongoing and Separates One from the Mainstream or ‘Ideal Life’

One of the challenges of nonfinite losses is that they are ongoing. A specific event often creates the loss, but the impact of the loss continues across time. For instance, if I experience a devastating injury that leaves me paralyzed, this is a single event. But this isn’t simply a single event to be grieve, but rather a loss that will be ongoing. Each aspect of my life impacted by the injury, in the present and the future, expands the loss. Nonfinite losses often, though not always, create life where people feel their experience is now “other” or "abnormal". Rather than viewing the new life trajectory an alternative path, we see it as less-than, abnormal, and outside the bounds of a mainstream experience. (Schultz & Harris, 2011). This not only creates a distance between the self and other, but it also reinforces the path that is vs the path that should be.

Grieving The Ideal Life

Many of the examples of nonfinite grief that we’ve shared thus far involve an event that derails a trajectory. If I am a professional hockey player, in my first year in the NHL. I expect and imagine a long future as a player when an injury ends my career. It is easy to understand why I might find myself grieving what ‘could have been’ or ‘what should have been’ because I reasonably expected that life.

But what if my mother left me when I was just a baby? I never met her, nor did I ever have any expectation that she would be in my life or my future. Though this type of nonfinite grief will have plenty of differences from that when our trajectory is actively derailed, this is still it’s own loss. The idea of a mother-child relationship is part of most people’s schema of the ideal life, the life that one should have. Even if we never knew a life on that path, we can still feel a deep sense of loss that we didn’t have that relationship we believe we should have had.

Dealing with grief can be confusing, particularly when its difficult to see. Next time we will post some helpful tips to navigate nonfinite loss. If you feel you would like to talk to someone about your grief with a professional, please do not hesitate to contact us either via the website, email: info@shbcs.org.au, or phone: 48621701.

Children Grieve Differently than Adults

jcraikcooper@gmail.com (Jo-Anne Craik-Cooper) — Tue, 09 Aug 2022 06:49:14 GMT

Some things to consider:

There is often an expectation that children will grieve in the same way that adults do. They may appear fine if emotions aren’t present immediately. Processing and understanding what death means takes time for everyone and children are no exception.

When explaining death to children its important to be gentle but truthful. Using words such as ‘death’, died’ and ‘dead’ is more helpful than trying to soften language by using terms such as ‘no longer with us’ or ‘passed away’, which can often leave children with questions. For very young children using pictures, books, toys, and play may help to explain what has happened and the feelings that accompany the death. Asking the child what they understand about what has happened can open the way to see where further explanation may be needed and make it easier for kids who find it difficult to ask questions. Other children may respond with curiosity and have regular and repeated questions that need clear and honest responses. Don’t try and hide your sadness or pretend you aren’t sad – be honest in expressing your feelings which can also help the child to able to express their feelings.

Grief may surface many times throughout their childhood and adolescence as their understanding of the various aspects of loss change and come to the surface. Some children may not want to talk or may not react early on in grief but may want to talk about it later.

Feelings may also show up in play rather than discussion.

Some Common Reactions Include:

· Grieving in doses – e.g., crying one minute and playing the next

· Acting out rather than talking

· Change in eating, sleeping and behaviour patterns

· Regression to earlier age behaviours –e.g., bed wetting, thumb sucking

· Lacking concentration and energy at school

· Anger, frustration, restlessness

· Feeling responsible for parents

Where to Find Help:

· Your GP

· Bereavement Counsellor

· Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement – 1800 642 066

· Kids Helpline – 1800 551 800 – 24hrs, 7 days

· Griefline – 1300 845 745 6am – 12 midnight

· Southern Highlands Bereavement Care Service 48621701, info@shbcs.org.au

(Adapted from posts by: speakinggrief.org & betterhealth.vic.gov.au)

Secondary Losses

jcraikcooper@gmail.com (Jo-Anne Craik-Cooper) — Tue, 05 Jul 2022 23:46:09 GMT

SECONDARY LOSSES

When someone we love dies, the impact is not just in the earth shattering loss of the person, but all the smaller losses that come to light as we grieve. For example: loss of income, loss of faith, loss of dreams, loss of purpose. They are a normal part of grief and may be apparent early in the grief journey or unfold over time. Secondary losses can often be overlooked by those around the grieving person and even the person themselves. This can lead to the losses being disenfranchised and isolate the one grieving as others may view these things as obstacles to be overcome rather than things that need to be grieved.

What can help?

A good starting point is taking the time to write down all the losses that have come as a consequence of the primary loss. This can be a helpful way of realising the impact secondary losses have on grief. Acknowledging these losses and understanding that this is a normal part of grief can bring validation to the experience. Loss is loss however big or small and needs to be acknowledged and grieved.

If you feel you are not able to get the support or understanding you need from those around you, it can be helpful to link in with a support group or seek individual counselling. The Southern Highlands Bereavement Care Service offers counselling to those who are finding grief difficult to navigate. No formal referral is required, you can self-refer by calling 48621701 or via email on info@shbcs.org.au.

(Adapted from posts by whatsyourgrief.com & speakinggreif.org)

Conflicted Feelings in Grief

Tue, 14 Jun 2022 01:57:00 GMT

Conflicted Feelings in Grief:
Reconciling the Present with What Might Have Been

If I had to choose one word to describe life after loss, I might choose “conflicted.” It’s probably not the first word that comes to most people’s minds when thinking about loss. But, for me, one of grief’s most profound lessons is that our feelings, thoughts, perspectives, and wants are often at odds.

Considering how complex we human beings are, this shouldn’t be a revelation. But ultimately, our complexity is what drives us to try and simplify things by choosing one emotion, one motivation, one explanation, or one truth. These reductions make the world easier to navigate in many situations, but they can quickly complicate things in life after loss.

Conflicted Feelings in Grief

Some examples of ways people experience conflicted feelings in grief include:

Wanting to move forward, but also wanting to hold onto the past
Wanting to feel better, but also feeling guilty about feeling better
Feeling hopeful, but also feeling hopeless
Feeling immense grief, but also feeling relief
Loving your late partner, but also loving someone new

This post can be found on whatsyourgrief.com - to continue to read the full article follow the link:

Conflicted Feelings in Grief: Reconciling the Present with What Might Have Been (whatsyourgrief.com)

Why Aren't I Crying

jcraikcooper@gmail.com (Jo-Anne Craik-Cooper) — Tue, 24 May 2022 01:50:33 GMT

WHY AREN’T I CRYING?

For some people crying is a natural response to loss but for others this may not be so. Sometimes tears don’t come even though the person will usually cry when something upsetting happens. Our expectations of what grief will be like and how we will respond often doesn’t match the reality of our experience.

A recent article by “What’s Your Grief” indicated that when people find themselves unable to cry when they expect and feel they should, they seem to fall in one of two categories:

1. ‘I’m usually a crier, but can’t cry now’

It can be distressing when your normal reaction is to cry but the tears just won’t come. There is a sense of wanting to cry and yet like a sneeze that won’t come, the tears don’t fall. Sometimes this may reflect feeling nothing or feeling numb.

2. ‘Even though I’m not a crier I expected loss to make me cry, but it didn’t.’

Some people rarely shed tears, and others avoid crying as it makes them feel embarrassed or shameful. Our experience of emotion as children can sometimes make us feel that tears are a sign of weakness, are attention seeking or wrong. But crying is a natural human experience, and we shouldn’t be made to feel it is wrong. People may also be made to feel that if they don’t cry, they are not grieving properly, but there is no right or wrong way to grieve. It’s okay to cry and it's also okay not to cry if you can’t or don’t want to.

But don’t we need to ‘let it out’ when we are grieving?

While people are often told this is what they should be doing, it is not always the case. Even though crying can have self-soothing benefits, it is only one of many ways that helps to provide avenues of comfort and stress reduction. Other examples are: music, physical and emotional intimacy, massage, bonding with a pet, exercise, meditation, artistic expression.

Interestingly, those who find it difficult to cry may be less likely to receive support because of they appear to be doing ok on the outside – even though on the inside there may be lots going on. It may be necessary to tell people that you need support or alternatively find more formal avenues of support such as a group or counsellor.

Grief is as individual as we are.

(Information adapted from ‘What’s your Grief’, www.whatsyourgrief.com)g

Anzac Day

jcraikcooper@gmail.com (Jo-Anne Craik-Cooper) — Tue, 19 Apr 2022 23:47:35 GMT

Anzac Day is a day of remembrance of those who fought for our country – those who lost their lives and those who survived. Those who survived take time out to remember their friends who did not make it back, and Anzac Day gives people permission to grieve the loss of those who didn’t return. As we ponder these losses on Anzac Day our thoughts may also turn to more personal losses, and while Anzac Day allows us to honour those who have died to keep us safe, we can also find ways to honour those we have loved who have died. Rituals like the dawn service on Anzac Day show respect and honour, and marching in honour of family members is another way to remember those who were lost. On a personal level, rituals can also help us to honour a loved one who has died and may be as simple as lighting a candle, visiting their grave or going to their favourite place. Rituals can be important to some and not to others – but finding meaningful ways of remembering those we have lost is important.

How Long Will This Last?

jcraikcooper@gmail.com (Jo-Anne Craik-Cooper) — Mon, 07 Mar 2022 23:19:02 GMT

Grief – many ask how long will this last? When will I feel better? A trite answer is ‘how long is a piece of string,’ and the truth is there is no short answer – it takes as long as it takes. It would be nice to think we can work through ‘stages’ and get to the other side and package it up and mark ‘done’ on the top. But the reality is grief cannot be nicely packaged up, and sometimes just when you think you are on top of things it may come and greet you again in an unexpected way.

Sometimes it feels like others are wanting us to move quickly through our grief – often because they feel helpless in watching the pain of the one who is grieving and may not know how to help. Finding someone who will just listen and not avoid talking with you about your experience can help. It may feel like everyone else has gone back to “normal life” and you are still sitting with your grief.

The first year without your loved one can bring challenges of the milestones without them – first birthday, anniversary, Christmas etc. Preparing for those days can help – working out what you need to do to honour the person and care for yourself can help you to feel you have some measure of control.

Grief can also be triggered by other losses and the recognition of secondary losses, for example loss of security, loss of future, loss of identity. Songs, smells, and places can also trigger your grief, and some days and times of day may feel more difficult than others. Sometimes it will feel like you take two steps forward and five steps back. The roller coaster experience of grief can be chaotic, but most people learn to slowly cope with their grief. It may feel like the pain of the grief will never end, but most people find the intensity and feelings of overwhelm usually start to lessen with time.

For some people grief can leave them feeling stuck and they may find it difficult to function on a daily basis, have disturbed sleep and eating patterns, or maybe rely on alcohol or other drugs to help them cope. Seeking help from a professional in these instances rather than trying to go it alone can help. Talk to your GP and/or seek counselling is a good first step. The Southern Highlands Bereavement Care Service offers a safe space to talk through your experience with an understanding counsellor trained in grief and bereavement support. Self-referrals are welcome by phoning 48621701 or emailing us on info@shbcs.org.au .

(Adapted from information from www.cancervic.org.au)

Helping those who are grieving

jcraikcooper@gmail.com (Jo-Anne Craik-Cooper) — Tue, 01 Feb 2022 01:13:01 GMT

It is difficult watching friends and family grieve. It often leaves us feeling helpless and not knowing what to do to help. Everyone will grieve in their own way but below are some things that you can do to provide support:

Be there – don’t avoid the person and their loss.

Listen – one of the best things we can do is to listen to the person – without giving advice unless asked.

Let the person talk about their loss and the impact on their life. Encourage them to reminisce and tell stories about the person they have lost.

Involve the person in social activities whenever possible.

Offer practical help but don’t take over. This may be providing a meal, doing some shopping, mowing the lawn – be guided by them in what they need.

Be aware of your own needs and grieving.

Take note of any changes in behaviour that are out of character.

Encourage them to see their doctor for a check-up if needed.

Let them cry – allow the person to cry – this helps to release emotions.

Remember that it is important to let people handle things in their own way. Support them to do things for themselves where possible, encourage them to talk with friends, family, or someone they trust. This may include their doctor, a minister of religion or a counsellor.

Sometimes talking to someone outside of family and friends is helpful. The Southern Highlands Bereavement Service offers counselling and support to those who are grieving, and contact can be made via phone: on 48621701 or email: info@shbcs.org.au .

(Adapted from National Association for Loss and Grief NALAG brochure.)

The Christmas Season after a Death

jcraikcooper@gmail.com (Jo-Anne Craik-Cooper) — Tue, 14 Dec 2021 05:18:32 GMT

The Christmas period and holiday season can be a tough time for those who are grieving. Secondary losses surface as we realise the loss of our loved one changes the nature of the way we may celebrate, or how we feel at this time. Not only are we dealing with the grief of losing someone precious to us, but we now also experience how this loss impacts other areas of our lives. There may be apprehension leading up to the day – reminders of things like putting up the Christmas tree together or social/family gatherings that stir emotions and memories. Some may find it difficult to contemplate enjoying these celebrations or feel lost or disconnected from faith or values that they believed underpinned the holiday period.

Planning for these days can help to cope with this challenging time. Try to be gentle with yourself at this time and not expect too much of yourself or those around you. Let others know what you might need on the day so that they can support you. After the death of a loved one Christmas will never be the same again. The acknowledgement of your loss and maybe changing the rituals associated with this time can help to make the Christmas season a little easier.

Some coping strategies:

· Do something special as a way of honouring the person who died.

· Set a place at the table for the person.

· Ask for assistance with the preparations such as shopping.

· Some may like to visit the gravesite or other special location to sit and remember.

· Think about changing the way things are normally done – maybe opting for a change of venue such as the beach or having a picnic.

· Share memories of the person, make a toast to them, share photos – you may laugh or cry – expressing emotions is healthy.

· Do something special for yourself, maybe buy yourself a present, indulge in a favourite food or pastime.

· Maybe have some quiet time to sit with your memories and your grief.

· If you need to seek professional help – maybe a counsellor or telephone helpline.

These are just some suggestions but its important to find what is helpful for you. Our grief and experience of it is an individual and unique experience.

(Information adapted from nalag.org.au & whatsyourgrief.com)

Gratitude and Grief

jcraikcooper@gmail.com (Jo-Anne Craik-Cooper) — Tue, 07 Dec 2021 23:54:00 GMT

Can we still find gratitude amid grief? It is hard sometimes to see anything but what you have lost and how that is impacting your life. It can feel like the grief is all consuming. Imagine your grief is like your hands held up to your face covering your eyes, making it impossible to see anything else or engage with the world around you, let alone see something positive. Yet finding small things each day can be a step towards caring for yourself in this difficult time. Expressing gratitude has been found to help people deal with adversities, can decrease stress, build emotional awareness, and have positive impacts on mental and physical well-being.

This may seem unrealistic in the face of your grief – so how might you put it into practice? Here are some ways to practice gratitude in the face of loss.

· Recognise the small things: this may be a kindness that was shown to you by someone in words or actions

· Be intentional about finding one thing each day: make a note of the smallest things that may have brought a smile, a recognition of a small blessing, a note from a friend, the comfort of a pet, the beauty in the environment …….

· Write a letter of gratitude: write to your loved one expressing what you loved and appreciated about them, what they taught you, how they changed your life.

· Allow your grief to be: grief is a part of the human condition and needs to be felt. Lean into it and acknowledge that the pain is a reminder of the love you felt for your lost loved one.

· Journal: developing a daily practice of journaling what you are thankful for, and your thoughts and feelings can be helpful. This may be a short sentence of what you are grateful for each day or may be an account of each day noting thoughts, feelings, and things that helped you in your grief journey.

· Take photos: taking a photo can be a pictorial way of capturing what you are grateful for.

Finding gratitude is not about ‘cheering up’ or looking on the bright side, it is about recognising that although your world has changed and things are difficult, there are still things in our lives we can be thankful for. This practice allows us to take time out to focus on something else even for a short while.

Remember that grief is an individual experience, unique to you and your particular loss. Just as your grief is unique so is the way you may approach finding and acknowledging the things you can be grateful for. The above are just suggestions – find what has meaning for you.

Grief can be hard work and sometimes its helpful to talk to someone about the feelings and thoughts that accompany it. You may have a friend or relative you can talk to. For some, talking to someone outside of family and friends may be helpful, such as a counsellor or priest/minister. The Southern Highlands Bereavement Care Service provides bereavement counselling face to face, via zoom or telephone. Call or email to discuss on 48 621701 or info@shbcs.org.au.

(Adapted from joincake.com, livehappy.com & positivepsychology.com)

Anticipatory Grief

jcraikcooper@gmail.com (Jo-Anne Craik-Cooper) — Tue, 30 Nov 2021 04:13:55 GMT

This type of grief occurs before the death or other great loss. It may begin when we are first aware that death is a likelihood. While different to grief following a death it can produce many of the same symptoms of regular grief such as sadness, isolation, anger, and forgetfulness. For carers this may be accompanied by exhaustion. As we anticipate a death we may also be grieving the loss of the person’s abilities, loss of independence, loss of future dreams, loss of security and a loss of hope. It can feel like an ‘in between place’ – trying to find a balance between holding on to hope and letting go.

These things can contribute to a sense of relief when the person dies, and with this will often come guilt, feeling that the relief diminishes our love for the person. These feelings are totally normal but can be confusing. It’s good to remind ourselves that relief does not change the love we had for the person, but rather it is a natural reaction to the illness.

Some things to remember when dealing with Anticipatory Grief:

- Accept that it is normal – you are not alone in feeling this way.

- Acknowledge your losses. Allow yourself to acknowledge that even though the person hasn’t died you are grieving.

- Connect with others – maybe a support group or others who understand the challenges you are facing.

- Remember that anticipatory grief doesn’t mean you are giving up.

- Reflect on the remaining time – find ways that are meaningful to spend this time with your loved one.

- Communicate – expect that everyone in your family may be experiencing and coping with anticipatory grief in different ways. Try to keep lines of communication open to better understand each other.

- Take care of yourself. Think about things that help you in difficult times, that recharge your batteries. If you don’t care for yourself it’s more difficult to care for others.

- Take advantage of your support system. Identify those who are able to help you out and even those you may wish to avoid.

- Seek counselling if you feel the need to. Sometimes its good to talk to someone outside the family.

- Relief is normal. It is a normal reaction after a stressful and overwhelming time in your life.

- Don’t assume. Just because your loss was anticipated don’t assume this will speed up or slow down your grief after the death. Remember we all grieve differently.

If you feel you would like to talk to someone about what you are experiencing you can contact the Southern Highlands Bereavement Service on 48 621701 or email on info@shbcs.org.au .

(Information adapted from whatsyourgrief.com)

Myths and Facts about Grief

jcraikcooper@gmail.com (Jo-Anne Craik-Cooper) — Tue, 09 Nov 2021 03:08:12 GMT

Often people come to counselling with expectations and thoughts about how they should be grieving. They may feel they are not doing ‘grief right’. But what is the ‘right’ way to grieve? Everyone is different, and so we will also grieve differently. Here are a few myths and facts about grief that may be helpful.

MYTH: Ignoring it will make the pain go away faster.

Fact: Trying to ignore the pain of loss may make it worse in the long run. Finding a way to express feelings in a safe place – maybe with trusted friends or family, through creativity or even professional help, is important in caring for yourself at this time. Balance is important – dipping into the grief but then being able to dip back into life or thinking about other things is a way to find this balance.

MYTH: If I don’t cry, I’m not feeling sad enough about the loss.

Fact: While crying is a normal response to loss it is not the only response. There are many feelings that may accompany loss, such as sadness, anger, fear, relief, guilt, and regret. Our feelings will stem from the relationship we had with the person who died. Allow yourself to feel what you feel and express it in a way that is best for you.

MYTH: I should be strong in the face of loss.

Fact: Expressing our feelings, crying, and talking about our loss is not a sign of weakness, rather it often takes a lot of strength. Sometimes others around you may not know how to best support you or how to allow you to express feelings without trying to cheer you up, but that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with the way you are feeling. Being honest about how you feel may help others understand better and maybe find ways to help support you.

MYTH: Grief should last about a year.

Fact: Grief has no timeline – it is different for everyone, and the loss experienced. It is not a simple or orderly experience, and the loss will be part of your life from now on, even though the feelings will change in intensity over time.

MYTH: Women grieve more than men.

Fact: All people grieve differently regardless of gender. In general women are often viewed as more demonstrative of emotions and men may erroneously feel it is unmanly to cry even though they may want to. People will process their grief differently and express it in ways that feel right for them.

MYTH: Friends can help by not talking about the grief.

Fact: It is often difficult for those who are grieving to find someone who is willing to listen to them talk about it. Friends can help by allowing the grieving friend to talk about their experience without feeling the need to fix things, but just listen. Sharing their own memories of the person who died and asking open ended questions can help the grieving person feel safe in expressing themselves.

MYTH: People struggling with grief just need to get over it.

Fact: ‘Just get over it’ and ‘move on’ are phrases that are quite unhelpful for those who are grieving. Sometimes the person may need professional help to work through their grief. It is not a matter of ‘getting over it’ or ‘letting go’ of the person who died, but about finding a new way to feel connected to the person as you find a way to move forward into this new changed life, and this may take some time to work through.

If you feel you may need some help working through your grief, the counsellors at the Southern Highlands Bereavement Service can assist you. Call or email to discuss your needs on 48621701 or info@shbcs.org.au .

GRIEF THAT IS NOT RECOGNISED BY OTHERS - DISENFRANCHISED GRIEF

jcraikcooper@gmail.com (Jo-Anne Craik-Cooper) — Wed, 20 Oct 2021 04:19:16 GMT

When grief cannot be shared and is not acknowledged or validated by others it can leave the person who is grieving feeling isolated, alone, and unsupported. This is called disenfranchised grief which includes unrecognised relationships such as a casual relationship or ex-partner, LGBTQI partner, stepfamily member or death of someone you never knew, and the death of a pet or companion animal. Stigmatised losses may also be disenfranchised and include bereavement due to drug overdose, suicide, abortion, or miscarriage. Non death loss may also be unacknowledged, for example loss of ability, loss of a limb, loss of independence. Sometimes people may be seen as lacking the capacity to mourn such as children or those with cognitive impairments, serious mental health conditions or developmental disabilities.

Even though others may not acknowledge it, your loss is real and valid because it matters, and the loss is important to you. Don’t let others dictate your right to grieve and feel your emotions.

Some ways that may help:

• Acknowledge your loss – give yourself time to remember and honour the person perhaps using rituals or memorials.

• Grief is individual and personal so try not to think that others may have a ‘greater right’ to grieve than you.

• Allow yourself the space to grieve as you need in your own way and time.

• Take care of yourself by getting enough rest, nutritional food, exercise, and social connection.

• Remember things that have helped you get through difficult situations in the past – how might they help you in your current situation?

• Seek support from people who do understand, maybe friends or family who knew about your relationship.

• Seek professional support if needed from a general practitioner, bereavement counsellor or psychologist.

The Southern Highlands Bereavement Care Service is available to provide support – you can call or email to make an appointment with one of our counsellors on 48621701 or info@shbcs.org.au.

(Adapted from information from Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement)

Entering Residential Aged Care

jcraikcooper@gmail.com (Jo-Anne Craik-Cooper) — Tue, 12 Oct 2021 22:18:20 GMT

One of the most difficult decisions spouses and family may have to make is placing a partner, parent or relative into residential aged care. It may be a decision that is forced quickly due to illness or perhaps a fall or may be a possibility looming as a loved one deteriorates physically or mentally as with dementia. There may be feelings of guilt over no longer being able to care for someone or promises made that now cannot be kept due to circumstances or the physical and emotional impact on the carer. Sometimes there is a feeling of relief when the burden of care is lifted.

Some tips to help with dealing with guilt:

• Recognise that your loved one is now receiving care around the clock, freeing you to spend quality time with your loved one. Make your visits meaningful.

• Give yourself permission to grieve.

• Acknowledge the fact that residential aged care is a necessity for millions of people worldwide.

• Recognise the role you can still play as a care giver – just in a different way.

• Seek support from friends and family.

• Remind yourself that you were not responsible for your loved ones physical or cognitive impairments.

For the person needing to enter residential care there can be a loss of independence, loss of their home and possessions, loss of freedom and routines and loss of social connections. Recognise their need to grieve these losses as part of the process.

Some tips on how to help your loved one settle into the facility:

• Maintain a positive outlook on the move even if they do not. They are relying on your emotional support.

• Make the room as homely as possible including personal items from home, photos, music etc.

• Visit often. A common experience can be to feel a sense of abandonment when moving into a residential facility. Regular visits can help to assure them they are not abandoned.

• Take them on outings where possible – this may be as simple as a walk around the grounds or going out for a meal.

• Communicate with staff at the facility – discuss any concerns, fears, and hesitations as well as strategies that have worked for other residents.

The current visitation restrictions due to COVID -19 are also influencing this process and can create feelings of isolation apart from the usual impact of this life change.

Such a life transition can be stressful for both the family and the resident. Allow time for yourself and your loved one to adjust. Seek support from friends, family, or support groups. This adjustment can take time and vary between people and circumstances. Sometimes talking to a professional may be helpful. The Southern Highlands Bereavement Care Service can provide support to you or your loved one. Appointments are available face to face, via zoom or telephone. Call on 48621701 or email us on info@shbcs.org.au to enquire.

Miscarriage and Grief

jcraikcooper@gmail.com (Jo-Anne Craik-Cooper) — Wed, 06 Oct 2021 04:58:48 GMT

Miscarriages are often unexpected and happen without explanation. About 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage. The loss of a pregnancy at any stage can impact you, your partner, and your family. Plans that you held for the future with this baby are abruptly ended, and grief may be harder to bear as you have nothing to show for the pregnancy, no memories of your child to grieve and your pregnancy may not have even been evident to friends and acquaintances. It can seem as though your baby never existed which may add to your feelings of loss.

It is normal that you may experience range of emotions such as:

• Sadness

• Irritability

• Anger & Frustration

• Confusion

• Guilt

• Disbelief

• Numbness

You may also experience changes in sleep and appetite at this time.

Partners too will experience their own sense of loss over the dreams and plans they had for this child. Their experience and expression of the loss may be different from the mother’s experience, and they may also be carrying concern for the wellbeing of their partner.

How to help yourself:

• Some may find it helpful to remember this pregnancy by planting a tree, writing a poem or some other ritual. Others may not feel the need to do this. Do what you feel is right for you.

• Take time to grieve the loss – cry if you need to. Talk about your loss.

• Remember that your partner may be grieving differently to you and that this is normal. Talking to each other about what you are feeling can bring awareness and sensitivity.

• Talk to a trusted friend or seek out a support group to talk with others who have had a similar loss.

• Be gentle with yourself.

• Try to spend time with people with whom you feel most comfortable.

Sometimes it is helpful to speak with someone outside of the family. Organisations such as sands.org.au or pinkelephants.org.au can provide support. The Southern Highlands Bereavement Care Service is also available to offer support via Zoom, telephone, or face to face. Call or email to enquire about an appointment on 48621701 or info@shbcs.org.au.

(Adapted from information provided by the National Association for Loss and Grief).

Men and Grief

jcraikcooper@gmail.com (Jo-Anne Craik-Cooper) — Tue, 28 Sep 2021 04:37:13 GMT

Recognising that people will grieve uniquely despite gender, there are some things to consider about the way men may grieve. Society has painted the picture that men are meant to be strong, and while this perception is starting to be broken down as mental health awareness is gaining ground, some may still feel the need to be stoic in the face of deep personal loss.

People often consider sadness and crying to be typical of grieving, but there are many symptoms of grief. For men who may be used to hiding their tears, other symptoms can be common and may include:

• Withdrawal – may withdraw from family and friends.

• Irritability – may be more easily irritated by small annoyances

• Anger – may experience anger towards those they perceive as responsible for their loved one’s death, at themselves, or overreact and explode over issues that normally wouldn’t bother them.

• Persistent thoughts of death – may include thinking about the loss of their loved one, the final moments of their death or death in general.

• Overuse of substances – may attempt to mask their pain with alcohol or drugs.

• Getting involved in work and activities – ‘doing things’ as a way of expressing grief.

HOW TO HELP:

• Men are more likely to grieve in isolation. You can help by letting them know you are there to listen and support them when they are ready to talk. Be there to listen but don’t give advice unless asked.

• Offer practical help without taking over.

• Working on a project together that is unrelated to their loss or join them on a car trip or day out fishing. He may open up about his loss and he may not but being with him can provide support and companionship.

• Some may pursue activities to distract them from their grief, and while this is helpful for some, avoiding thinking about the loss may lead to a more complicated grief process. Working with them on a project that honours their loved may be helpful. Things such as planting a tree, getting involved in raising awareness or funds for a particular disease or making something dedicated to their loved one’s memory, e.g., a bird house. This can be a hands on way of helping to heal and providing an outlet for men who find fixing things rewarding.

It is important to allow the person to handle things in their own way. Where possible, support them to do things for themselves. Encourage them to talk with friends and family, or maybe their general practitioner or minister of religion if appropriate. Counsellors can also provide additional support, information, and advice. The Southern Highlands Bereavement Care Service is available to provide support and can be contacted on 48 621701 or via email on info@shbcs.org.au.

(Information adapted from Crossroadshospice.com and NALAG – National Association for Loss and Grief).

Activities for Grieving Children

jcraikcooper@gmail.com (Jo-Anne Craik-Cooper) — Tue, 14 Sep 2021 01:43:42 GMT

Memory Jars

Sometimes it may be difficult for children to talk about their feelings about the loss of loved one. One way to help them to express what they feel is by creating a memory jar. The process helps them to think about happy memories while creating something to help them remember their loved one.

The following instructions create a jar layered with different coloured salt and chalk to trigger different memories. You might prefer to mix the salt with powdered paint instead. You can choose to add objects to the jar that have significant meanings. The end result will be a way of remembering a special person and will allow children an opportunity to communicate their feelings.

To Make it:

• 1. Gather together a glass jar with a lid, a pen, salt, coloured chalks, felt tip pens and six sheets of A4 paper

• 2. Carefully fill the jar with salt and place to one side.

• 3. On a piece of paper write down any five things you remember about the person who died

• 4. Draw a dot of colour next to each memory (for example, blue for their favourite song, pink for a time you did something fun together).

• 5. Spread out five sheets of paper and split the salt from the jar between them

• 6. Colour each pile of salt with coloured chalk that corresponds to the dots for each memory. Do this by rubbing the chalk into the salt. Talk about the memory as throughout this process.

• 7. Carefully pour each pile of salt into the jar one at a time to create layers.

• 8. Gently tap the jar to settle the salt then fill up any remaining space with plain salt to prevent the layers mixing.

• 9. Put your jar somewhere you will see it often and keep your memory sheet safe so you can show it to friends and family.

Memory Boxes

This activity involves decorating and preparing items that are keepsakes and memories of the person who died. Items needed: a box (maybe a shoe box or similar), coloured paper, pencils, crayons, textas or whatever the child would like to decorate the box with. Then collect items that have meaning for the child and the person they lost – maybe photos, trinkets, and memorabilia such as ticket stubs etc. The child can decorate the box with whatever resources are available – perhaps tissue paper, drawings, pictures cut out from magazines. Place the collected items into the completed box. Talk with the child about the items they have chosen to include – what does each item represent or mean to them.

Helping children to express their feelings while creating a keepsake can be useful in opening up communication about the death of the loved one between care givers and children. It also encourages open discussion about death and feelings, and that its okay to talk about these things as they are a natural part of life.

Sometimes it can be difficult to know what to do for the best when talking to children about grief. The Southern Highlands Bereavement Care Service can provide resources, information and counselling for children and adolescents. For further information contact us on 48621701 or via email on info@shbcs.org.au. To access our Youth Booklet (for adolescents and young adults) visit our website: shbcs.org.au to download a free copy today.

Grief and Guilt

jcraikcooper@gmail.com (Jo-Anne Craik-Cooper) — Wed, 08 Sep 2021 00:50:05 GMT

Guilt is often a common theme as people grieve. Guilt may be defined as remorseful awareness of having done something wrong or a perception of having done something wrong or failing to have done something. Guilt can be a normal part of the grieving process, but sometimes we can be overwhelmed by it.

There are many kinds of guilt –

Death causation guilt (directly or not directly responsible for death.

Illness-related guilt (wishing the person dead)

Moment of death guilt (not being there when the person died)

Role Guilt – (what I ‘should have’ done for this person – should have known they were sick)

If-Only (or Failure) guilt -stemming from the belief that the bereaved survivor could have done something to have changed the course of the illness/death. If only I had …..

Moral Guilt (Karma)

Guilt by Proxy – take on the guilt of another person (a son murders his girlfriend and shows no overt guilt, so his mother carries the guilt for years)

Survivor Guilt (outliving our loved one)

Inducing Pain in others guilt – (Watching others grieve – parents watching their children grieve)

Relief guilt – when a person who died had caused a great number of problems during their life.

Benefit guilt – when the death of a person we loved is followed by a benefit e.g., inheritance.

Grief guilt – not thinking about the person enough/visiting the grave.

Unmentionable guilt – a secret that is believed to be too terrible to utter e.g., criminal activity

‘Getting better’ guilt – feeling good about enjoying life or feeling better.

So, what can help us through guilt?

1. Focus on the positives in the relationship – how are you grateful for having the person in your life, what did they teach you and what are some moments that produced joy and laughter?

2. Thought stopping disruptive thoughts – noticing the thoughts when they come and then mentally thinking STOP or acknowledging the thought and instead of engaging with it turn your attention to what you can see, hear, feel, and smell.

3. Self-forgiveness – what would it take to forgive yourself? Maybe write a letter to your loved one asking for forgiveness.

4. Best friend approach – what would you say to your best friend in this situation? Try treating yourself like you would your best friend.

5. Role taking – live the next 5 minutes of your life ‘as if’ you were guilt-free, what would it look like.

6. Guilt inventory – list things you would have done differently. List how you were doing your best. List some things you know now that you didn’t know then. Accept the reality of what you can and cannot do.

Sometimes its helpful to talk this through with someone, maybe a trusted friend or family member. Sometimes you may wish to speak to a professional about your feelings, the Southern Highlands Bereavement Service can provide support and understanding as you work your way through these feelings. Contact us to make an appointment on 48621701 or email on info@shbcs.org.au.

(Information adapted from Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement, and writings by Bob Baugher)

'SPECIAL' DAYS AND GRIEF

jcraikcooper@gmail.com (Jo-Anne Craik-Cooper) — Wed, 01 Sep 2021 04:32:12 GMT

With the approach of Father’s Day those of us whose fathers are no longer with us can find the celebration difficult or bittersweet as we remember what we’ve lost. Birthdays, anniversaries, and other special days can trigger emotions and responses to our loss, and the lead up to the day can often feel worse than the day itself.

Being prepared and asking yourself what you need at this time can help to give you a sense of some control over the situation.

Planning – ask yourself what you want to do on the day – maybe stay with the traditions and rituals you have always had or change things to reflect your new ‘normal’, maybe making new traditions and rituals.

Tell others your plan – its important to let family and friends know what you need on the day. Be honest about how you are feeling, and if you are planning to attend a gathering it may be good to let the host know that while you will attend on the day you may need to leave early if you things get too much for you.

Looking after yourself – leading up to and during special days its important to care for yourself physically and emotionally. Try to eat well, take some exercise and get enough rest. Do things you enjoy doing – read a book, listen to music, get a massage or meet a friend for coffee. Try not to suppress emotions but do what you need to – have a good cry if you need to. Don’t be afraid to enjoy yourself either, happiness and sadness can co-exist and enjoying yourself is not disrespectful to the memory of your loved one.

Most people find with the support of friends and family and their own resources they are able to find ways to live with their loss. Others may feel the need to speak with a counsellor or other health professional to help navigate their grief. The Southern Highlands Bereavement Care Service can provide understanding and support if you find you are struggling with your grief. We can be contacted on 48 621707; email: info@shbcs.org.au; or via the website www.shbcs.org.au.

(Adapted from resources produced by the Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement).

Funerals and the effect of COVID restrictions

jcraikcooper@gmail.com (Jo-Anne Craik-Cooper) — Wed, 25 Aug 2021 03:33:32 GMT

FUNERALS DURING COVID RESTRICTIONS

Funerals or rituals after a death help us to process that we have lost someone who was special to us and helps us to take in the reality of the permanence of the loss. It allows people to come together and remember their loved one, express memories of them and what they meant to the individual. The life of the person lost is described through eulogies, songs, and visual representations such as photos and videos, helping to piece together the life of the person who died. Often this may be followed by a gathering or wake where stories are told, and tears and laughter can flow. It is a rite of passage, accompanying the person who died on the last part of their journey.

During the current restrictions due to COVID-19, being able to hold a funeral has meant changes to the way in which this can happen. With the number of people able to attend funerals reduced, some have opted to live stream funeral services, while others have held private events with the intention of memorials to be held at a later date for larger groups when restrictions are lifted.

Just as the way in which we grieve is influenced by our individuality, the culture we grew up in and the relationship we had with the person who died, funerals and memorials and the ways in which we honour a death will differ also. In these times where it can be difficult to express this honour in a public way, it may be helpful to think about private rituals that can be carried out at home. For example, playing music that had meaning for you or the person who died; lighting a candle and sitting silently for a few minutes; making a collage of photos or creating a memory book; write in a journal the things you are grateful for about the person you have lost; placing a memento or even a letter written to the person in a jar or perhaps burying it in the earth; saying poems or prayers. Be creative in thinking about what has meaning for you.

The current restrictions can add another layer to the already difficult time of grieving a loved one. Reaching out to someone to talk to can be helpful to work through this process. This may be a trusted friend or relative, or maybe a professional. The Southern Highlands Bereavement Care Service can offer understanding and support at this difficult time. Contact can be made via phone on 48621701; email: info@shbcs.org.au; or via our website: www.shbcs.org.au.

Making Meaning and Continuing Bonds When a Loved One Dies

jcraikcooper@gmail.com (Jo-Anne Craik-Cooper) — Tue, 17 Aug 2021 05:23:51 GMT

When someone we love dies it can make us question our understanding and assumptions about the world and life. ‘How could this happen?’ ‘How do I make sense of this?’ ‘How is it that the world goes on around me still?’ Trying to understand how grief works and what to expect and why some people are supportive, and others avoid us when we are grieving are all part of the process. What does life look like now in the face of this loss and what to do with the memories and how to hold on to them.

You may have heard it said, ‘death ends a life but not a relationship.’ What does this look like though, how do you continue a relationship with the one you have lost? When the physical tangible existence is absent how do we stay connected and honour the person we are missing? Just as our grief will be an individual experience so will the way in which we connect with and honour the memories of our loved one. The relationship we had with the person and the closeness of the relationship will also affect how this is expressed.

Some examples may be talking to their photo, visiting the grave site, making memory books or writing their story. It may mean taking on a cause that they participated in or raising money for the illness that took them from you. Thinking about what that person taught you and how your life changed because of them, what characteristics of theirs did you most admire and aspire to? Setting a place at the dinner table for them, having cake on their birthday or writing them a letter; these are just some of the many ways of expressing your connection to them and their importance in your life. This will look different for everyone according to their needs and may differ from one loss to another. The important thing is to make it yours – find the meaning for you.

Sometimes it helps to talk to someone to help you make sense of things and help you explore what is helpful for you and what is not. This may be a trusted friend or relative or you may prefer to speak with a professional. The Southern Highlands Bereavement Care Service offers a place where your grief can be explored and supported in a safe space. Call us for an appointment on 48 621701 or email us on info@shbcs.org.au.

Loss of Spouse or Partner

jcraikcooper@gmail.com (Jo-Anne Craik-Cooper) — Wed, 11 Aug 2021 04:29:24 GMT

The loss of a spouse or life partner can be one of the most intense experiences we can face. Whether you were together for years or only a short time the impact can be devastating. The time of life of the loss can also influence our grief – maybe we have children to care for now alone, or step-children, or perhaps we have lost our dreams of sharing time with our partner now that children have grown and moved out.

This loss can bring a number of changes including:

• Loss of identity – ‘who am I now without this person?’

• Loss of finances

• Loss of future dreams

• Change of roles and responsibilities in the home

• Increased loneliness and isolation

Our experience of grief is impacted by the relationship we have with the one who died. A partner is often the person who knows us better than others. We may feel like we’ve lost our best friend, soulmate and confidante, or as if we have lost a part of ourselves.

We may now be faced with the pressures of bringing up children alone or navigating changed relationships with adult children or step-children. Relationships with family members may become strained at times or ongoing difficulties within the family may become magnified.

We may need to take on roles unfamiliar to us that our partner was responsible for. Dreams we had for the future may have been shattered now without the one we had planned to share them with. Isolation and loneliness can confront us too, as we find friends and family have returned to their lives and their own families while our main support person is gone. While others may try to provide support, we can feel lonely even while in the presence of others.

It is important to stay connected with others at this time. Having someone you can talk to and be able express your feelings to is helpful. Look after yourself physically – try to eat well, get enough sleep and take some exercise. While the world around you appears to have changed forever there are still things we can find in each day that we can be grateful for – the smile of a child or grandchild, the blossoms of spring, the dog or cat that stays by our side, a beautiful sunset – whatever small morsel you can find in a day is worth noting and pondering and maybe writing down at the end of the day. Sometimes we can feel overwhelmed by the emotions and loneliness and we may need professional support. Seek support if needed. Our counsellors can offer support during this most difficult time.

Call 48 621701 to discuss making an appointment or email us on info@shbcs.org.au.

Pet Loss

jcraikcooper@gmail.com (Jo-Anne Craik-Cooper) — Tue, 03 Aug 2021 04:38:56 GMT

Pets are often a source of comfort and companionship to people. They become part of our family and an important part of our lives. Our attachment to our pets can be as strong as and similar to feelings we have for our family and friends. Our pets offer unconditional love, are a listening ear (even if they don’t understand), and a source of comfort through touch and closeness.

It is not surprising then that when a beloved pet dies, we experience grief. The death of a pet can be as devastating as the death of a human loved one. Unfortunately, sometimes our grief is invalidated or not recognised as important by others, so while we are feeling sad and mourn the death of our pet, we may not be given the same support we would receive when a person in our life dies. However, it is important to remember that it is not what others may think about how you respond to the loss, what matters is what your pet meant to you. It is normal to experience grief and okay to feel this way. You may be feeling a number of things including sadness, shock or numbness, and you might experience problems with sleeping and/or eating, longing for your pet, lack of concentration, withdrawal, and disorientation, all of which are common responses to grief.

Having a way of remembering your pet can be helpful. Some people may opt for services that specialise in pet funerals and memorials, others may plant a tree or flowers or place a statue or plaque in the garden as ways of remembering their pet.

People often suggest purchasing another pet and this may or may not be something you wish to consider. For some, going through the pain of losing a pet may deter them from acquiring another animal ever again. For others this will be an option and the timing of this will differ from person to person. Considering or adopting another animal does not mean you are replacing the one that died, all animals like humans are unique, and only you know when and if this is right for you.

Talking to someone about your grief can help. Having someone who understands what your pet meant to you is important. This may be a trusted friend or family member, or a counsellor. Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it. Our counsellors can provide understanding as you navigate this difficult time.

(Some information adapted from National Association for Loss and Grief NSW inc.)

Emotional Storms

jcraikcooper@gmail.com (Jo-Anne Craik-Cooper) — Tue, 27 Jul 2021 23:14:34 GMT

Sometimes when we are grieving it can feel like we are in the middle of a storm, emotions tossing us to and fro like waves on the ocean. When this happens, it can be difficult to know what to do to just stay afloat.

Here are just a few things that may help to steady you until the storm passes:

• Take some deep breathes – try breathing in through your nose, feeling the breath go right down into your stomach, for a count of 4. Then slowly release the breath through your mouth maybe with a sigh, for a count of 6. Try taking 5 deep breathes and reassessing how you are feeling – you may need to take another 5 or so until you feel a little calmer.

• Stop and acknowledge that what you are feeling is difficult. Then try to focus on what is around you by using your senses. What are five things you can see – maybe look for a particular colour or just mentally describe each object – its shape, colour, size. Then notice four things you can touch – what do they feel like? Soft, hard, textured etc. Then focus on three things you can hear – are they soft or loud or distant or close. Next notice two things you can smell – maybe food or flowers, maybe something pleasant or unpleasant. Finally take in one deep breath and let it go. Maybe go through this sequence again until you notice a shift.

• Dropping anchor – this exercise is about acknowledging your thoughts and feelings, connecting with your body and then refocus to engage in what you are doing. Firstly, acknowledge what is going on inside you, the thoughts and feelings, maybe name them by saying ‘I’m noticing…….(fill in whatever is coming up for you)’. Then slowly start to connect with your physical body – maybe sitting up straight in your chair and pushing your feet into the floor, maybe stretching your arms or neck, or shrugging your shoulders. Then refocus your attention to what is around you – maybe taking in what you see, feel, hear, and smell like in the last exercise. (Adapted from ‘Dropping Anchor’ by Russ Harris).

These are just a few suggestions to try and bear in mind that different things work for different people. It’s a good idea to try each one out before a ‘storm’ hits so that they are more familiar to you when you need them. It is also good to remember that this does not take away the feelings and thoughts but just helps you to hold steady until the storm passes.

Is My Grief Normal?

jcraikcooper@gmail.com (Jo-Anne Craik-Cooper) — Tue, 20 Jul 2021 01:27:42 GMT

Grief has many facets and will be different for everyone. It is not able to be easily summed up into a neat set of ‘stages’ – it follows the path of the individual and their relationship to the loss, and their unique personality.

Grief affects every part of us – our thinking, our emotions, our social being, our behaviour and our spirituality. We can feel as if we are in a fog – lacking motivation, concentration, inability to make decisions. We can feel fatigued, irritated, unable to sleep, withdrawn, nauseated, sleepless. These and so many other effects can have us feeling like we are out of control and wondering if our grief is normal.

Remember there is no time limit to grief and no right or wrong way to grieve. But sometimes we may need some help to work through what has happened to us and reassurance that what we are experiencing is normal. Sometimes we get stuck in our grief and need some help to find a way to reengage with life. If this sounds familiar to you and you would like to talk to someone who will listen without judgement, call us on 48621701 . Or send us an email: info@shbcs.org.au.

HELPING GRIEVING TEENS

jcraikcooper@gmail.com (Jo-Anne Craik-Cooper) — Tue, 13 Jul 2021 23:23:48 GMT

HELPING GRIEVING TEENS

As parents and caregivers its sometimes difficult to know how to best help teenagers who are grieving. Everyone will grieve in a way that is individual to them but there are some common responses including:

Sadness Shock/disbelief Fear, guilt, anger, regret, relief, confusion

Difficulty concentrating Sleep problems/appetite changes

As well as these Children and adolescents may also react by:

Not wanting to go to school Acting out/disruptive behaviour Hyperactivity

Preoccupation with death/wanting details

It’s important to remember:

• Your child is the expert in their grief

• We all grieve differently and have different needs

• Inclusion creates empowerment

• Tears/crying are a normal healthy expression (although this can be hard for parents to see their child in distress)

• They need to be heard

How can you help?

• Open and honest communication – talk with them about the loss but also respect their choice if they are not ready to talk. Check in with them regularly in case they change their mind.

• Recognise and reassure them that its okay to have different grieving styles.

• Teens often look to peers for support rather than parents – support and encourage connection with friends.

• Help them to find ways of expression and connection through things such as writing, blogs, memorials, photos, creative artwork, music/dance.

Causes or concern:

• Dramatic changes in personality

• Antisocial/violent behaviours

• Excessive guilt or self-blame related to the death

• Risk taking/dangerous behaviour

• Drug and alcohol abuse

• Illegal behaviour

• Ongoing thoughts of suicide or self-harming behaviours

• Extended withdrawal or isolation from family and friends

• Prolonged sleet and/or eating problems

This may indicate they are finding it difficult to cope and professional support should be sought.

The Southern Highlands Bereavement Care Service provides counselling for Adults, Adolescents and Children. No health care plan is required, and referral can be made by direct contact on 48 621701.

Our booklet “I Can Do It But It’s Still Hard” can be downloaded from our website at www.shbcs.org.au or you can obtain a free hard copy from the centre.

(Content contained here adapted from information from the Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement)

Self Care Tips When You Are Grieving

jcraikcooper@gmail.com (Jo-Anne Craik-Cooper) — Wed, 30 Jun 2021 05:27:54 GMT

Healthy Eating: Maintain a healthy and balanced diet where possible.

Physical Activity: Building a sustainable amount of daily activity such as a 30minute walk can make a difference to your overall health and wellbeing.

Put Yourself First: This may be a difficult concept for many but when you make taking care of yourself a priority first, you will be in a better position to support those around you when needed.

Rest and Relaxation: Be kind to yourself and take care of your body by taking time to relax in way that is restful for you. For example: listening to music, having a massage, taking a nap, meditation or having a bath.

Social Connections: Staying in contact with others such as family, friends and community is important. Meeting for coffee, phoning a friend, chatting with a neighbour or joining a community club may all be ways of keeping connections with others.

Go Outside: Being in nature and taking in fresh air and sunlight can positively impact your health and wellbeing.

Pleasurable Activities: Make time to do things you enjoy – e.g. gardening, reading a book, riding a bike, going to a movie or playing a musical instrument.

Talk: Telling your story can be healing. Talk to someone who is supportive and will listen with understanding about your grief journey.

Healthy Relationships: Spending time on positive relationships that create meaning and comfort is important.

If you need help, ask: Help is available – don’t be afraid to ask. Grief has no timeline and it’s ok to admit you are struggling weeks, months and even years after a death.

(Adapted from brochure from the Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement).

ACT for Anxiety

Sat, 09 May 2020 03:16:04 GMT

FEELING STRESSED/ANXIOUS? – ACT for Anxious moments.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) aims to help people to live a fullness of life in line with their values. Using mindfulness principles it assists people to open up to and accommodate difficult experiences. ACT does not directly remove or change unwanted thoughts and feelings, but helps people develop a new mindful relationship with those experiences which can then free them up to live according to their chosen values.

When we are feeling stressed its easy to let our thoughts and feelings overwhelm us. Everyone responds differently to different ways of managing this – some find deep breathing helpful, others may find exercise or progressive muscle relaxation works for them. Here is an exercise from ACT that may assist with helping to manage difficult thoughts and feelings.

The key to remember is that practicing techniques when we aren’t feeling emotional storms makes them familiar and more easily accessible when we are facing difficulties. Try this ‘Dropping Anchor’ exercise:

Dropping Anchor:

This exercise helps us to remain steady in the midst of a storm. It doesn’t make the thoughts and feelings go away but rather helps us not to be pushed around by them allowing us to hold on until the storm passes.

The acronym ACE is used here:

A = Acknowledging the thoughts and feelings. So the first step is to pay curious attention to the thoughts and feelings we are experiencing. What are our thoughts telling us, where are we feeling things in our body?

C = Come back into our body. Feel the ground under our feet – press them into the floor. Sit or change position, maybe take a stretch or a deep breath.

E = Engage. Engage back with your surroundings. Look around the room what do you see? What can you hear? Are there any noticable smells? Take a breath and notice how it flows in through your nose and out through your mouth.

It’s a good idea to maybe do this 3 or 4 times and notice any changes to how you are feeling.

('Dropping Anchor' Adapted from Focused Act and Commitment Therapy - Russ Harris )

Strategies for coping through uncertain times

Wed, 22 Apr 2020 01:56:38 GMT

A Facebook post from Mindboosts.

Grief support volunteers ready to help NSW through COVID-19 loss and beyond

Wed, 22 Apr 2020 00:34:45 GMT

A press release from he National Association for Loss and Grief NSW (NALAG NSW).

COVID-19 – Coping through the uncertainty

Tue, 07 Apr 2020 14:56:57 GMT

It can feel like we have no control over our situation at times, but as the diagram above points out, even though there are things we can't control, we still have a measure of control over our actions and where we choose to focus our attention.

During this time the Southern Highlands Bereavement Care Service is unable to offer face to face counselling sessions in our office due to the lockdown restrictions. We are however, able to offer phone and Zoom counselling sessions to continue to support those who are experiencing loss, grief or isolation/health anxiety during this time.

Here are a few tips that may assist you during these times of self-isolation:

Make time for your grief and let yourself reflect on your loved one and remember them in your own special way.
Maintain daily routines that are consistent with keeping healthy. It can sometimes help to write down your daily plan to keep you focused and on track.
Start journalling about your feelings during this time. What is hard? What helps a little bit? What are you still grateful for? Write to your loved one in your journal and tell them what is happening for you now.
Consider the ways that you can stay connected with others that don’t involve physical contact eg: Facebook, Instagram, Skype, Zoom, phone, writing letters.
Be kind to yourself during this time. Do things that you can enjoy at home eg: cooking your favourite healthy dishes, doing some craft, painting or drawing, moving your body to music, scrap-booking photos and memories, reading, learning something new (a language, a hobby, playing a musical instrument), sing in the privacy of your home, gardening, sorting cupboards, learn to meditate, stretch your body every day and use cans of food as weights etc.
Let yourself watch some movies or television shows that make you feel uplifted.
Limit yourself watching too many news bulletins to 30 mins a day (just enough to stay informed without being overwhelmed).

Self-care for Carers

Tue, 07 Apr 2020 02:46:13 GMT

In this Southern Highlands News article, Emily Bennett interviews Donna Barnard (Bereavement Counsellor) who explains why it is so important for Carers of those with life-limiting illness to also make time for themselves.